Do you wake up every day wondering what sort of disagreements with an aging parent you’re going to encounter today? If each day seems fraught with conversations that leave you feeling frustrated, perhaps it is time to try something new! Help both of you break out of the rut you’re stuck in with these expert communication tips.
- Stay calm, even when it is hard: Conversations can quickly escalate if frustration bubbles over. If your parent becomes angry or defensive, resist the urge to match their tone. Stay calm and patient, even if it means taking a pause and revisiting the conversation later. Your steady temperament can help de-escalate tension and keep the discussion productive.
- Bring in trusted voices: If the topic is particularly sensitive, consider involving someone your parent respects, like a physician, pastor, or trusted family friend. Hearing advice from someone other than you can sometimes make it easier for them to process and accept.
- Use positive reinforcement: Even the smallest triumphs are worth celebrating. If they agree to try a new safety device or accept help for the first time, acknowledge their openness and thank them. Positive reinforcement can encourage more flexibility later on.
- Use “we” rather than “you”: Statements that begin with “You need to…” or “You should…” can feel like an accusation rather than a conversation, even when your intentions are good. Instead, use inclusive language that emphasizes teamwork. Saying, “We can figure this out together,” or “Let’s find a way to make things easier for both of us,” can make the conversation feel less like an attack and more like a partnership.
- Offer options: None of us likes feeling forced into a decision. As much as possible, present options rather than ultimatums. For example, rather than saying, “You really need to get help around the house,” try, “Would you prefer someone to come several hours a week or just for specific chores?” This approach gives them a feeling of control while still addressing the problem.
- Begin with empathy: Before diving into the “what” of the disagreement, try to understand the “why” behind it. Are they feeling scared, embarrassed, or overwhelmed? For instance, declining physical abilities or needing help can feel like a loss of independence. Beginning with empathy (“I’m sure this must feel frustrating for you”) can soften their defenses and show you are on their side, not against them.
- Select the right moment: Timing matters. Instead of springing a sensitive topic on them during a busy or stressful moment, choose a time when the two of you are relaxed and calm. A quiet afternoon over coffee or a relaxed evening can set the tone for a more constructive discussion.
- Be prepared to listen: Sometimes, what feels like stubbornness is actually a plea to be heard. Ask open-ended questions like, “What has been worrying you most lately?” or “How do you feel about this idea?” Then, really pay attention to their answers. Giving them space to talk about their thoughts and fears can make them more open to hearing yours.
- Concentrate on their goals: Your parent might resist your suggestions if they believe they’re losing control over their life. Rather than framing the conversation around what you think is the best, concentrate on what’s important to them. For example, if they love their garden but find it difficult to keep it up, you might say, “I understand how much you love gardening. Let’s find a way to keep it manageable so you can keep doing what you love.”
How Senior Care Can Help
A caregiver from JFS Care quickly becomes a trusted companion for an older adult. This enables you to step back from caregiving duties and get back to enjoying quality time with your parent. We are pleased to serve seniors throughout Sherman Oaks, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica, and throughout the Los Angeles area. Contact us at (213) 383-2273 for a complimentary in-home consultation, any time.