“Laura, it’s so great to see you!”
What a sweet greeting this might be…if you were Laura. Increasingly, Mom is calling you by her sister’s name, forgetting that you are her daughter. When someone with dementia doesn’t recognize you any longer, it can be very hard to accept. The sadness is all-consuming, the frustration unquestionable, and the questions keep mounting up: What do I do now? Why is this happening?
These guidelines will help you react to these moments with grace and love, keeping your connection alive in a new and different way.
Realize That It Is Not Personal
When an individual you love mistakes you for another person, it is normal to be upset, as if all those beloved moments between the two of you have now been lost. Still it’s important to remember: this is not about you. Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia cause changes in a person’s brain that make it tough, or even impossible, for them to recollect the individuals who mean the most to them.
They haven’t forgotten you on purpose. They haven’t stopped caring about you, even if they cannot remember your name or how you’re related. This is actually the disease talking, not the person. Reminding yourself that it is the dementia—not a reflection of your relationship—can help you manage the difficult emotions that emerge during these moments.
Concentrate on the Feelings, Not the Truth
While the person may not recall your name, they are able to feel your presence. Dementia often affects memory, but it doesn’t take away the ability to sense emotions. Just because they don’t realize that you are their daughter, spouse, or son, they will still feel loved, safe, and comforted when you’re there.
So instead of focusing on making them reflect upon details of your relationship, focus on creating positive feelings. Smile when you see them, hold their hand, share a comforting hug. These actions mean more than words or names, and additionally they can bring moments of connection even if the specifics have faded away.
Join Them in Their World
Dementia can produce a distance between your reality and theirs, and occasionally bridging that gap means giving up the need to bring them back to your reality. If the individual thinks you are somebody from their distant past, or is confused by the present moment, it can be comforting to simply join them in their reality rather than try to correct them.
As an example, if they think you’re an old friend from childhood, rather than reminding them of who you actually are, ask questions that match their current memory. This strategy helps to reduce anxiety and confusion for them and allows you to share a moment of joy in their present understanding.
Find New Ways You Can Connect
When recognition fades, it doesn’t mean the connection needs to fade along with it. Finding new ways to stay connected can help sustain your bond in a meaningful way. Think about what still brings them joy. Music is frequently a powerful tool—it may bring memories rushing back even if names and words are forgotten. Playing their favorite songs might bring a smile to their face and also help you share a joyous moment together.
Photos and easy activities may help too. Looking through old family pictures might not trigger detailed memories, but it can still generate a feeling of comfort and familiarity. Activities like brushing their hair, sharing a favorite snack, or taking a gentle walk together can create new positive moments, even when they don’t recognize you in the conventional sense.
Give Yourself Space to Grieve
There is no denying that when a loved one doesn’t recognize you, it feels like a profound loss. It is okay to feel helpless, sad, or even angry. You’re grieving a change in your relationship, and that grief is valid. Remember to accept your feelings and find outlets for them, such as talking with a friend, joining a support group, or writing in a journal.
You do not have to endure this alone. Connecting with others who know what you’re going through can help you process your feelings. Knowing that you are not the only one facing these difficult moments makes it feel a little less isolating.
Celebrate Small Moments of Joy
Although the person may not recall your name, there will always be moments that are worth celebrating. A shared laugh, a gentle touch, a smile—these moments are important, even if they seem small. Shift your focus to those fleeting moments of joy, because they’re still real, and they still matter.
If your loved one seems content and calm in your presence, that is a victory. If they smile at a favorite song or relax when you hold their hand, that’s a success. These experiences remind you that while the relationship may be different now, the love you share is still there; it’s just shown in new ways.
Explore Our Dementia Care Services
We understand that forgetting names is just one of many difficult effects of dementia, and we are here to guide you through them all. Our caregivers receive specialized training in effective dementia care practices, and we’d welcome the opportunity to help someone you love. Call us any time at (213) 383-2273 to learn more about our dementia care in West Los Angeles, Beverly Hills, Brentwood, and throughout Los Angeles County.