You can be well into adulthood and still feel like a child when you’re around your parents. You may have spent decades paying your own bills, raising a family, building a career, and making major decisions. Yet somehow, Dad can still look at you and see the same kid he once taught to ride a bike.
That history can make it particularly complicated when dementia changes family roles.
It can be difficult for both of you when you become the person who has to say, “I need to take over the finances,” or “Mom, I don’t think you should prepare meals alone anymore.”
As dementia changes a parent’s abilities, adult children often find themselves taking on responsibilities that once belonged to the person who raised them. That reversal can be especially challenging when your parent has always been strong-willed, highly independent, or accustomed to being the person everyone else looked to for direction.
What Feels Like Support to You May Feel Like Loss to Them
When you’re concerned about a parent’s well-being, your actions may seem completely reasonable. Missed payments need to be addressed. Forgotten medication needs attention. A stove left on creates a safety concern.
You see the problem and try to fix it. Your parent may experience something else entirely.
Every task that someone else begins managing can feel like another piece of independence being removed. This is often particularly difficult for people who have spent their lives taking pride in being capable.
Perhaps your mother handled the household, managed the budget, remembered every appointment, and kept the family organized. Perhaps your father supervised employees, owned a business, worked in a leadership role, or took pride in always knowing what to do.
Being competent may have been central to how they understood themselves. That’s why resistance to help is not always about being difficult. Sometimes it is an effort to maintain control and preserve an identity that dementia is gradually changing.
Keep Decisions in Their Hands When It Is Safe to Do So
There are circumstances in which dementia makes independent decision-making unsafe. Your parent may no longer be able to recognize financial scams, manage medication correctly, or safely use certain appliances.
Still, assistance should not automatically mean taking over everything.
Dad might need someone else to handle the checking account while still being able to decide what he wants for dinner. Mom may need medication organized in advance while remaining capable of choosing whether she wants to shower in the morning or later in the day.
These may appear to be small decisions, especially compared with the responsibilities your parent once managed. But that’s exactly why they can be important.
Try to identify moments when your parent can still safely express a preference:
“Would you like the blue sweater or the green one?”
“Do you want to walk before lunch or after we eat?”
“Would Tuesday morning be better, or would you prefer Wednesday afternoon?”
The purpose is not to ask permission about every little thing. You don’t need to create an exhausting series of choices around ordinary routines.
Instead, make space for your parent to participate when there is no reason to take that opportunity away.
Remember That They Still Have Something to Offer
Caregiving can slowly transform the relationship. You may find yourself handling appointments, giving reminders, watching for problems, correcting mistakes, and helping with tasks your parent once did without assistance.
Those responsibilities may be necessary, but they can also make every interaction feel like you are providing something and your parent is receiving it.
Try to create opportunities for your parent to contribute as well.
Ask Dad for his thoughts about what to plant in the garden. Ask Mom to walk you through a recipe that has been part of the family for years. Ask your parent for advice about something you are considering or an opinion about a decision you need to make.
The contribution itself does not have to be significant.
The important thing is allowing your parent to continue experiencing something meaningful: being someone whose thoughts and experience are worth seeking out.
Not Every Mistake Needs to Be Corrected
Dementia can make a person say things that are inaccurate or remember events differently. Constantly correcting those mistakes can create frustration without accomplishing much.
Of course, there are times when intervention is necessary. Safety cannot be ignored. Medication errors need to be addressed. Financial decisions may require you to step in.
Other situations are less important.
If Dad remembers the location of the spare keys differently than you do, correcting him may only create an argument. If Mom tells a story and gets the year wrong, stopping her to fix the date may not benefit anyone.
Before correcting your parent, pause and consider whether the mistake actually matters.
Choosing not to challenge harmless inaccuracies can reduce conflict and help your parent maintain dignity.
See the Whole Person, Not Only Their Current Abilities
Dementia affects what someone can do today, but it does not erase the person they have been throughout their life.
Your mother is still the person who handled difficult situations, made decisions, cared for others, and created a life and family. Your father is still the person whose guidance you may once have turned to when you needed help.
That history deserves to remain part of the way you interact with them.
Eventually, you may have to make decisions your parent can no longer make safely. You may need to establish boundaries they do not appreciate. Those moments can be difficult but necessary.
At the same time, there are still ways to preserve and respect autonomy. Ask instead of automatically telling. Present options instead of assuming the answer. Give your parent opportunities to participate and contribute.
Dementia may change family roles.
It should not take away your parent’s right to feel heard.
Want More Help at Home for Someone With Dementia?
Supporting a parent with dementia often means finding a delicate balance between providing protection and preserving as much independence as possible.
Our highly trained and exceptionally skilled dementia caregivers understand how to provide meaningful assistance without overlooking the person’s need for dignity, choice, connection, and joy. To learn more about how we can support someone you love in Santa Monica, Bel Air, Beverly Hills, or anywhere else in the Los Angeles area, call 213-383-2273 for a free in-home consultation.